M Thomas Apple Author Page

On a lark, I signed up for a “BrandYourself” account a few weeks ago.

I’d read about it via a Quartz link and was curious. I’ve been living outside the US Culture Bubble for about two decades now, so I’ve largely missed the “OMG my employer is checking my SNS posts” terror that (apparently) has been sweeping the nation.

My first BrandYourself warning: You have 738 Risk Factors!

OMG. What were they? Was I really putting myself at risk?Of course, I haven’t bothered to pay anything, but my free account did allow me to peruse the nature of said “risk factors.”

One of the “risk factors” was “bigoted language.”

Gee, that’s not good. What did I say?

I checked it out.

Ah. I posted an article about how Jeff Sessions has a racist past, and a Facebook friend commented that Sessions was obviously a bigoted white supremacist.

This, evidently, qualified as “bigoted language.” A complaint that a Nazi was a Nazi. Hm.

Another “risk factor”?

I posted a photo of a beer vending machine from the inside of a hotel on Amami-Oshima, southern Japan.

OMG, my future employer might think I drink beer. (Ya think?)

Another one?

My friends are I dared talk politics.

I think I detect a pattern here. OMG, I am, like, *so* offensive.

So…according to this company, I should never discuss political or religious beliefs, I should never post any pictures of alcoholic beverages (even when I’m not actually drinking), and I should never point out that people are racist.

In other words, I should never have an opinion about anything that actually matters and I should behave like a good like Beaver Cleaver?

Here’s what I say to “BrandYourself” people:

Brand *this* MFer.